Author

Subject: breast cancer?

Gracie

16:29 22/05/2001 

I remember lying down on a bed and a male doctor was looking down at me, then it was like I was watching a movie (I was no longer a character but a spectator) and the doctor was telling me that I had breast cancer! I was quite disappointed. Even though I was watching the woman, it was really me.

In the next part of the dream I was with my grandfather (who isn't my grandfather at all) and my boyfriend (who looked like him but didn't act like him). We were in a hairdressers and my boyfriend and one of his friends conned the hairdresser to strip off while she cut their hair.

I was sitting there and I could feel the anger building inside me. I hated the fact that he was doing this and I hated the fact that he was doing this in front of me! I woke up feeling like I had seen a new side to him and was almost sick at the thought of it. I felt so insignificant and disrespected. Even today, as I'm writing this, I am overwhelmingly angry and feel like I'm going to be sick.

I quite often have dreams that leave my feeling this way, they're not always on the same topic though.

Dream edited for easier reading - JT, 2005

2004

Jane Teresa's View

Jane Teresa Anderson

Overview Interpretation & Dream Alchemy Practice suggestion

OVERVIEW INTERPRETATION

Hi Gracie,

You say that you quite often have dreams that leave you feeling overwhelmingly angry and as if you are going to be sick, although the dreams are different in topic. You’d probably find, on interpreting these dreams, that they are all addressing the same issue from different perspectives. Our deepest issues, beliefs and hurts affect our perception of a variety of situations, colouring our attitudes and responses. Your dreams may be processing separate incidents and experiences but they may all be relating those experiences back to the same core issues.

Anger is an emotion that usually covers a deeper emotion. You feel anger when you feel unable to express what you really feel at a deeper level. For example, you may feel angry with someone who has left you. The surface emotion is anger but the deeper emotion is abandonment. It’s easier to feel anger than to address the deep hurt of abandonment.

Your dreams also leave you feeling as if you’re going to be sick. Vomiting is a rejection of something you do not wish to digest or of something that is toxic. This feeling, left over from your dreams, suggests there is something in your life now that you are increasingly unwilling to stomach. Your anger is probably related to a situation you have accepted but you are now ready to reject.

What clues does this dream give?

Cancer is a disease where your cells grow unchecked. On a body-mind level one understanding of cancer is that the sufferer has been nursing a hurt, resentment or anger, allowing it to grow unchecked. Appropriate communication of the anger and steps taken to heal the deeper hurt, it is supposed, may heal the cancer. Your dream does not mean that you will develop cancer. It is using the symbol of cancer, so it’s important to look at how this symbol relates, emotionally, to you.

In your dream the cancer was breast cancer. Breasts symbolise both nurturing (feeding babies) and sexuality. Where, in your life, might you be angry about feeling a lack of self-nurturing, or angry about other people’s expectations of you nurturing them, or angry about an area of sexuality?

Your dream starts with healing in mind, as symbolised by the doctor. Your unconscious mind is ready to get to the bottom of this! You then switch to spectator position. This is a common dream ploy to help give you some emotional distance when extremely painful issues are being revealed. You, the dreamer, shift to a more objective position as spectator at the cinema, watching television, looking through a camera or reading a book, for example. In your case it worked! In your dream you were “quite disappointed” which is a bit of an understatement as a response to being informed that you have breast cancer!

It is often easier, in a dream, to understand your emotional position if you view it objectively, but the dream may also be suggesting that you sidestep your real feelings and move into objective mode when things get too emotional. Have you recently felt disappointed by something? Reflect on this for a while and ask yourself if you were blocking out your deeper feelings. Have you been repressing anger and, in its place, feeling disappointment? Look at your disappointments and ask yourself where the anger may lay. Ask yourself what you have been allowing yourself to stomach in the name of disappointment instead of rejecting in the name of a deeper feeling that has been making you feel angry.

Later in your dream you felt insignificant and disrespected. Where in your life now do you have these feelings? Think hard – remember these may be parading as disappointment.

Hairdressers cut and shape hair. Hair grows from the head, as do ideas. Often dreams portray hairstyles when you are re-shaping your ideas, or re-shaping how you would like to be seen in the world.

Your boyfriend in your dream most likely represents your Yang – your left-brain, your outer world, possibly your world of work. (Female partners tend to represent Yin, the right-brain, the inner world). Your partner can symbolise relationship issues, so ask yourself if you feel insignificant and disrespected in any aspect of your relationship. However, the presence two other males, the boyfriend’s friend and a dream grandfather, does suggest these three men represent your own Yang energy. The grandfather may be wise, or he may symbolise time, suggesting that your Yang attitude has been unchanged for some time, or that you are now growing wiser over the whole issue. (This will depend on whether the grandfather supported the boyfriend or your feelings in your dream.)

What is it about your outer world – or your work – that is leaving you feeling insignificant, disrespected, angry and ready to vomit it all back up? Where are you trying to change other people’s ideas (the haircut) or where are other people trying to change yours? Where are you being made to feel vulnerable here (stripping off, naked)? Where does nurturing or sexuality enter the picture?

The bottom line is that it is YOUR Yang energy that dictates how your outer world experiences go. What changes can you make to your Yang for better results? The idea is for your Yin and Yang to be in balance, not for your Yang expectations and beliefs to dismiss or leave un-nurtured your Yin, causing cancerous resentment and disappointment.

DREAM ALCHEMY PRACTICE

Gut reaction poetry:

The title of your free-form poem is “The Naked Hairdresser”. Keep it going for 5 - 10 minutes. (See how to do this in next section.)

How to do this:

Take a blank piece of paper and a pen. Set a timer for somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes. Do not allow yourself to think! Start by writing the title as your first line and just let it flow. Keep on writing even if your poem seems childish or nonsensical. No rhyming or verses unless it comes out that way! The only definition of ‘poetry’ here is that you’re not writing sentences and you’re not using up all the space on your lines. Let your words find their own shape on the page.

How does this work?

By not thinking, by keeping the words flowing, you are letting your right brain and unconscious mind do most of the work. They created the original dream so they know what these symbols mean for you. They will reveal. You will be surprised.

More details on Gut Reaction Poetry as a Dream Alchemy Practice in: “Dream Alchemy”, by Jane Teresa Anderson, pages 324-7 and 334-5.

Jane Teresa Anderson

You can consult with Jane Teresa or her Dream Team and receive your interpretation by email within five working days.

ORIGINAL THREAD

Below is the original forum discussion on this dream, contributed before Jane Teresa's 2004 interpretation.

Shooting Star

04:45 23/05/2001 

Hi Gracie,

What does breast cancer mean to you?

Gracie

10:30 23/05/2001 

Cancer itself is something in the back of my mind. I used to smoke and I feel like my body is slowly recovering now that I've given up.

Breast cancer on the other hand, is something that I've been hearing a lot about over the last few months. I sometimes have the attitude that if I ignore it, it will go away. I'm only just getting to the stage of respecting my body, watching what I eat, doing more exercise etc. Hopefully my attitude towards my body will change aswell.

Breasts, on the other hand are something I see as being quite feminine (obviously). To tell you the truth, when looking at my physical body, my breasts are quite large. I used to feel very self conscious and still do to a degree. But as I'm getting older, I'm starting to view my body differently. I always used to compare myself to others, now I'm appreciating MY body, regardless of the extra curves (ha ha ha).

Any other suggestions Shooting Star? Thanks,

Gracie

Shooting Star

20:18 23/05/2001 

Hi Gracie, the reason I asked was because like yourself my dreams have been very intense and prolific over the past week.

I am currently going through what I now call a "process" whereby I am releasing a very old pattern associated with nurturing/not nurturing me.

To cut a long story short breasts for me are associated with nurturing as without them before bottles and formula came along the young do not survive for very long without breast milk and whilst I recently connected with my symbol for the nurturing mother within in a dream she was missing one of her breasts. In the dream the breast she was missing was the opposite one to one she physically had removed some months ago due to cancer.

By this dream I knew that I'd finally found the part of myself that is very nurturing towards me i,e. eating properly, resting, treating me to nice things etc. but I was still missing something and it isn't extra curves, Ha, believe me.

Cancer always symbolises for me, whether in a dream or in physical reality something eating away at me/us, some pattern, emotion, memory, trauma etc. that we've been hanging onto that is causing a blockage of energy and keeping us stuck.

My particular pattern I am busy busting at the moment comes from how I saw my mother cope with stress when I was a child, she smoked and drank lots of coffee, whether she ate properly or not I do not know although from memory most of the meals she did cook and the ones I have experienced since don't really strike me as being created by someone who enjoyed cooking or knew that much about nutrition. Food warms us and nurtures us, it helps us grow and feel strong, without it just like a plant we wilt and die.

I tend to live out her pattern when stressed and I also eat lots of sweet things and way too many carbohydrates, even the thought of eating fruit and veg when I am in this pattern makes me ill. Then I become physically ill as I am at the moment and whilst I know exactly what to do to make myself better again, by eating the right foods, exercising, taking time to rest and just "smell the roses" etc. I haven't been able to maintain it and I swing in and out of this pattern like a pendulum.

Any nurturing I received as a child always seemed to come from a space of control and emotional distance in that if I behaved in a way that others found acceptable I received nurturing, if I was at all Me I was controlled and kept at a distance emotionally. When I feel neglected, regected or stressed I subconsciously punish my body. As a teenager I drank copious amounts of alcohol and took heaps of drugs and very little food all in an attempt to numb the pain I was feeling about my relationship with my mother, the abuse I received externally from others I then dished out to myself and it quite literally nearly killed me.

I also have many relatives both male and female who have been diagnosed at some point with some form of cancer and all cases when you look below the surface have been caused by trauma, abuse etc. that is/was subconsciously eating away at them.

In relation to your dream I am wondering if perhaps the first part of your post relates to feeling disappointed that you haven't been nurturing yourself as you would like to and want to and I am also wondering if it is showing you that you are distancing yourself from something you do not want to feel the full impact of.

I also have some feelings in relation to the second part of your dream but don't want to jump in with those yet without first hearing what you feel/think in relation to your dream and present situation re nurturing self and what I have shared.

I was never taught or shown how to nurture me and I have spent the majority of my life constantly giving to others and not considering myself which means that whilst for most in my life I would quite literally walk over hot coals to help them I always sacrifice me in the process.

Shooting Star

20:23 23/05/2001 

I don't know how that last para got to where it is it should be elsewhere but anyway I'm sure you can see the point I am making by sharing what I have.

Gracie

12:00 24/05/2001 

Shooting Star,

Thankyou soooo very much for sharing those details with me. Hearing your story really 'hit home' with me. The underlying issue of not nuturing myself stems back longer than I can think. I don't know how I picked it up, obviously from someone close to me.

Perhaps my mother. I see her as being a very strong person, especially for her children. She wouldn't have any trouble sticking up for us, regardless who sh'ell be up against. When my parents split up, I was there for her. I literally, and very deliberatly push all of my feelings of hurt and being scared aside because she was a mess! My whole family was a mess, but I still had to go to school. I didn't want to cry at school because I felt stupid that my family had fallen apart.

Back to nurturing. I have put up with people's problems no matter what. Over the past year I have been putting a stop to it. It's my turn to cry and be upset if I want to. However, now I'm really self conscious of annoying people and tend not to go to anyone for help.

Lately, I've been doing too many 'recreational' activities (drinking, smoking dope) and have been feeling like shit because of it. I have put on so much weight and although I've managed to give up smoking, I still feel like you-know-what.

I have all these great ideas about exercise but they don't seem to get past the idea stage. These feelings lead to negative feelings about myself- here comes the self confidence issue again!!!! Self confidence is something I've struggled with all of my life. I'm the youngest of 4 daughters so including my mum and grandmum, I grew up with 5 mums. You don't get much of a chance to learn about trial and error when there's so many people doing things for you all the time.

So, I'm disappointed with myself for treating my body like crap, disappointed that I'm not doing anything about it, and self conscious about the whole thing!!! Ha ha ha, what a state.

I AM going to get there. I do love myself...I just have to out it in action.

Thanks once again Shooting Star,

Gracie

Shooting Star

15:31 24/05/2001 

My pleasure Gracie, know this vicious circle you are in extremely well. I've been going around in it for oh about 23 years now and the thing I was missing which I got from my breast cancer "victim" dream was I was missing some very clear boundaries with others which constantly seem to need re-defining.

The symbol also in some ways in physical reality represents to me someone who does have a "victim" mentality and is not really in control of her life, so the message was take back control of your life and set those boundaries that I am currently letting others walk all over and stop playing the victim role. Because she appeared to me in a hospital bed that also showed me that this part of me was undergoing a healing process and I needed rest in order to recover.

In relation to the second part of your dream you say you are in a hairdressers with two men who are but aren't familiar. Is it possible that the grandfather symbol represents some old way of thinking, acting, feeling etc. I don't know about your grandfather but most of mine and I've had 4 now were all rather staunch and of the mentality that you don't express your feelings.

Only you will know what the boyfriend represents but as you are in a hairdressers watching these aspects of Self getting their hair cut are there some ideas you need to address and put into action or some way of thinking you need to cut out of your life?

Conning the woman to strip - being naked for me is when I am at my most vulnerable and when I am most me. Clothes are just layers that make me look how I want to look in a particular frame of mind and circumstances. I can dress up and hob nob it with the high flyers when I need to or I can dress down and be somewhat of a "hippy chick". I can also dress casually, or smart and I put on various caps during the day to play various roles from business to just mum washing the dirty nappies.

I therefore wonder if the fact that she was conned into stripping is an aspect of yourself that you feel is being conned, what are you conning yourself about,etc. causing you to feel vulnerable which is the cause of your anger.

Could also be that perhaps you need to strip away the layers and make yourself vulnerable in order to fully feel your hurt and anger over whatever in order to change your current way of thinking or being.

Hope that makes sense I always know what I am talking about but don't always know if others get the same clarity when my thoughts just run from my brain to my fingertips on a keyboard.

Gotta go, time to play mum role and attend to the little one.

Gracie

11:15 29/05/2001 

Reading you loud and very clear. I'm going to need some time to digest all of this...major heavy duty stuff!!!

Boundaries are my first steps...I'm feeling very trod down in my relationship with my boyfriend. My opinion doesn't seem to count for much at the moment. I finally got a casual job the other day (I'm studying full time) and all he could do was ask how much I was getting paid. I had to ask him to say "congratulaions" to me...I was really hurt that he couldn't be excitied for me.

Major issues always seem to come up when I've got 6 million other things to concentrate on. I might just take my time. I have a feeling my guides are going to help me out more than usual with this one.

Cheers Shooting Star

Gracie

Shooting Star

22:19 29/05/2001 

May you make the time available to yourself to be guided to the truth in your heart Gracie and may you find the strength and courage to live that truth.

Just as a little post script to my previous bits I have only just "got it" that whilst I needed to make some very clear boundaries where others are concerned, in the past week or so I have found myself in a situation where whilst trying to do the right thing for others, yet again I have managed to once again attract abusive behaviour from a male in my life.

I have also learnt as I have been busting this pattern over many many years that there are many forms of abuse and even though physical and sexual abuse by a partner is one of the biggies there is also verbal, emotional, economical, spiritual, cultural and psychological, all of which can have equally, if not more damaging long term effects.

I have been trying to bust the abuse pattern in relationships since I first realised my marriage was a replica of my parent's. The next relationship I found myself in whilst the nature of the abuse had changed still contained abuse of a different kind, and the next, and the next. Each time dropping one or more abusive patterns until it became so subtle that whilst I was having a gut reaction big time I didn't logically "get it" until it was pointed out to me.

Hopefully now that I am fully aware of all the warning signs I will attract it no more.

Take Care and a big hug for you, change is never easy but until there is change, nothing changes.