I lived in a small pokey caravan in a rather barren yard with a shed. I came home (either from swimming or being caught in the rain) and noticed my mum outside with my ex-partner. He was taking his belongings out of the shed. My mum intimated to me from outside that he was moving away.
I was a little apprehensive because I didn't feel I was ready to see him again. I didn't want him to see me looking a wreck so I went looking for some hair gel to make myself more presentable. When I looked in the mirror I was surprised to see that my hair was somewhat longer and jet-black. (In reality it's blonde). I hadn't time to fix myself up when I looked out the window and he motioned to me from outside. He was using sign language to tell me he was moving away. I couldn't quite get all he was relating so I asked him inside for a coffee.
When he came in I noticed he looked dishevelled and thought that the break-up had affected him. The hair on the back of his head was thinned as if it had fallen out or been rubbed away.
As he sat down I knew he had a girlfriend who he said was pretty. At that moment she came in and sat next to him. I was secretly relieved that she wasn't overly beautiful which was surprising because he is quite discerning. She had a white top and beige shorts on and she threw her leg over his. I knew that they would have a very healthy sex life and was envious of that. When I looked at her face she had a piggy nose where the nostrils were turned up and quite large, but there was no bone in the nose. It was shaped like a ski slope with a one centimetre flat ribbon-like piece of cartilage extending 4-5 inches in a curve from the tip. I wondered why she wouldn't get that removed surgically. I also wondered if perhaps he had asked her to make some overture (like placing her leg on his) in front of me because this was a bone of contention between us about how demonstrative I was especially around people.
As I prepared the coffee for them and asked about their plans I noticed that he said little. He seemed somewhat numb and matter of fact. She answered all the questions for him. As I spoke to her I realised the more I looked at her the lovelier she became, and understood his attraction to her.
At this stage my family (children, their partners and my ex-husband) came in. It seemed very crowded and noisy suddenly. My eldest son made some remark to me that was said in jest but I felt was disrespectful and I was embarrassed that the girlfriend had witnessed that when I wanted to make a good impression and not be seen as lacking. My ex-partner suddenly became agitated and said he was ready to leave. I said I thought he was feeling quite comfortable till now. He said he "was" but not anymore. I realised it was my ex-husband’s presence that changed his mood. I felt there was little I could do about that and how it affected him.
This dream puzzles me because I had dreamt several days ago that my ex-partner arrived at my work, looking prosperous, healthy and self-assured, bearing gifts for me.
As always with dreams featuring other people it is important to remember that everyone in the dream represents something about YOU, not about them. When you dream about an ex, for example, you are dreaming about your beliefs about the person or your beliefs about that relationship, or your beliefs about its issues. The dream turns the mirror on you.
As you heal from a relationship break-up your beliefs generally change, usually for the better. You change some of your beliefs about the ex (you see them with new eyes) and you change some of your beliefs about relationships, how to be in relationship and so on. Dreams of ex’s during the recovery period are wonderful gifts.
In your dream you live in a pokey caravan in a barren yard with a shed. The start of a dream often states the theme your dream is addressing. In this case it appears to be: feeling restricted (pokey), without firm foundations (caravan), lacking creativity or spark (barren) and in the process of either shedding beliefs (a dream pun on shed) or holding onto some beliefs before releasing them (storing stuff you are undecided about in a shed).
You come home wet – either from swimming or from being caught in the rain. Water in dreams often represents emotions, which fits here. You are feeling drenched emotionally perhaps. Your mother makes an appearance. How do you feel about your mother in waking life? She may be in your dream to represent the mother in you (yourself as a mother, your nurturing qualities) or she may represent beliefs she instilled in you as a child. Was mothering an emotional issue in your relationship with your ex? Or was the need to nurture/ mother yourself more predominant in your decision to break-up?
What follows is a scene about wanting to look good, not wanting to be seen with wet hair. Did you guard your emotions in your relationship? Seeing yourself with dark hair instead of your actual blonde is probably the dream’s way of saying ‘this is your shadow side – the things you don’t like about yourself, that you prefer to hide’. Well, your dream moves on to expose, doesn’t it?
You’re out in the open, shadow side, wet hair the lot. There’s also the symbol of the exposed cartilage in the girlfriend’s nose. In the dream you wonder why she doesn’t have it surgically removed. In other words, you wonder about surface looks even though you decide, later on in the dream, that she was really lovely. You saw her inner beauty. In a way, you saw the beauty of exposure. Showing vulnerability can be beautiful, attractive - lovely. Your dream suggests you tend to hide your vulnerabilities.
Your dream intimates a communication problem. Your ex uses sign language and you couldn’t fully understand him. Were there communication problems in this relationship? Did you have to rely on trying to read signs? Did you give signs instead of openly communicating, fearing risking exposure of your vulnerabilities?
In your dream you mention the words ‘bone of contention’ shortly after noticing that the girlfriend’s nose had no bone, only the extended and exposed cartilage. The dream is playing a pun here: no bone of contention with this sexually open girlfriend. It serves to really focus on why there was a bone of contention in your relationship over public shows of sexual affection. Why did you feel vulnerable about showing your affection publicly? Looking back over your life, was there a time when you were more open and then became suddenly vulnerable?
The girl’s cartilage was 4-5 inches long. Where were the numbers 4 and 5 significant in your relationship? 4-5 years? 4-5 months? Age 45? How do these clues help you to understand your beliefs about exposure vs vulnerability?
Writing Exercise
Imagine you have been digging deep into the garden of the home you shared with your ex. At the bottom of the hole you find an ancient bone. It is the ‘bone of contention’. Now, set a timer for 15 minutes and start writing or typing as fast as you can – with no room for thought – a story starting with picking up the bone of contention and looking at it, feeling it. Just let the words flow – a kind of stream of consciousness. Stop when the timer sounds. Read over your story at leisure. You will be surprised how much you learn from this.
How does this work?
By working with dream elements and symbols in writing form you are communicating with your unconscious mind in its own language to create change, to explore your feelings and to resolve and heal past issues.
More details on various writing exercises as Dream Alchemy Practices in: “Dream Alchemy” by Jane Teresa Anderson, pages 337-338.
Jane Teresa Anderson
